And Then I Stepped in Gum . . .

Wisdom I Must Share

So here I am, blogging in the wee hours of the morning. And why? Because I have stumbled across some ageless wisdom that I must share with you, my faithful readers, and I can't rest until I've done so.

So here it is.

#1: If you've been sidelined with a stomach virus for all of the previous day, even if you think it might have been food poisoning, and your child complains that her tummy hurts at dinnertime, don't -- please, for the love of God -- don't feed her carrots for dinner.

#2: If you ignore Wisdom Item #1, don't engage in pillow talk with your partner about how you hope your child isn't getting sick, and then joke, in a mocking manner, "If she does throw up, what is she going to throw up -- the three carrots she ate for dinner?" For to do so is to tempt the fates.

#3: When your child approaches you in the dark, not two minutes after such ill-conceived geniality, and is very upset and says again that her tummy hurts, rush her to an uncarpeted area. Do not stand in the hallway with her, futilely attempting to catch the vomit in your hand (even though that's a proud badge of motherhood, IMO). Your hands aren't big enough.

#4: However, if you manage to keep your cool about all of these things and get the child back into bed without being more upset than she would normally be, take a moment to pat yourself on the back for your good mommy moments (and also give thanks that the child's timing was exceptional, as 15 minutes before would have been really, really inconvenient).

And then pray, cross your fingers, make sacrifices to the temples, whatever, that the little one doesn't get it, too. Or, God forbid, your husband. But whatever you do, do not make jokes. I assure you, I won't.

posted by Jennifer Morgan, at 1:06 AM